A tear of jade swings back and forth in front of my eyes. The rest of the world is white. I can’t feel my body, and I can sense only a shred of my consciousness. The jade moves back and forth on its string in a long, slow curve. It’s shining with reflected light. Where am I? I don’t feel anything, no emotions, no pain, only longing. But isn’t longing pain? I don’t know. I’m blank like the void that surrounds me.

I tried to still my mind, for my body is not there. But I can’t, the pendulum kept me with something to exist for. Back, and forth. Back, and forth goes the jade pendulum. I don’t feel anything, no emotions, no pain, no joy. Wait, hadn’t I already thought that? But something seemed different the second time. I can’t think of what was different. Where am I? No, I had already wondered that. Am I going insane? No, I am sane, for sure. I had always been sane. I mean, I could think logically, so I had to still be sane.

Swish…swish…swish the pendulum moved slowly back and forth. It is moving so, so slowly…but that’s normal speed, isn’t it? Yes, it is. But what is speed in this void? I’m alone, utterly alone. I enjoy watching the shining pendulum swing back and forth, it’s the only interesting thing in this world. I wish I could touch it, see what it feels like. But I’m just a fleeting, disembodied, confused, conscious trying to stay sane.

A flicker of green came and left, one of the many had had been coming and going. I have never noticed them before, I wonder why. But now I love seeing the green’s deep mystery, and it was one second that I wasn’t bored. I missed it for a while. My mind came back to the pendulum. It soon became dreary for me, and I hope for another color to come and go.

The pendulum keeps on swinging, giving me a sense of time. It slowly moved back and forth, and I started to count. The numbers push aside all other thought, but then they too become so normal that they lose their glow. I search for another color. None come for a long time, many swings of the pendulum.

A flash of red came, and I love it instantly. I wish it would stay, but it soon left. It feels so good to be able to have it around for even a second. Stay! Stay! I call, but without my body it was just a thought, and I was back to nothing. A thought came, a thought of blue. I want that color to come, to stay with me for good.

A sheet of glass came into my view. Through it I can see all the colors, and I look at the blue in the glass. All the other colors disappear, and that color comes closer. It passes through the pendulum. Yes! Yes! Oh I want it to touch me!

BANG!

A sound rings out. It is the first sound I heard in the void. It assaults my consciousness, swaying me, scrambling my thoughts. When I recollect myself, I see what happened. The glass is shattered, and the shards disappear. It was a fake. NO! NO! Shadows enter my vision, threatening to close in. I submit, and I thought, I was no more.

2/15/2012